The Spectrum of Honesty

“That outfit is really not flattering” said no husband ever. On the one hand, we are raised to believe that honesty is an admirable quality and something we should strive towards. On the other, we can be reprimanded or punished for sharing what’s on our mind. Moving through life, it can be hard to know how honest to be, with who and what repercussion or consequence we will face.

The first thing to note is that honesty exists on a spectrum. Every time you speak, you will be choosing (consciously or subconsciously) to do so with a level of discretion or clarity. There are six basic markers on the spectrum that can help us identify the extent to which we are being honest and transparent.

1. Brutal honesty – unfiltered expression (often emotionally charged) with little to no regard for the other person’s well-being or consequence

2. Considered honesty – thinking about what is relevant, necessary, intentional, aligned with your values, boundaries, respectful of privacy/confidentiality and considerate of other’s well-being

3. Omission – intentionally censoring things out

4. Editing – being selective in what you share to project yourself or others in a certain way

5. Deception – intentionally causing someone to believe something is true or not true

6. Lying – blatantly saying things that are not true

Have you ever had a fight with a partner because you felt that they weren’t being fully honest with you? It’s easy to forget that about 80% of communication is non-verbal and we notice microscopic changes in tone, intonation, facial expression, body language and eye contact. Being aware that your partner is looking, speaking, or acting differently can be concerning. Sometimes this is a reflection of a person not feeling safe to communicate or not being transparent.

The second thing to note is safety; people need to feel safe with whoever they are talking to. If a person fears judgment, criticism or rejection, the likelihood of them being honest and transparent is low. When we fear, we enter a state of survival. Our need to maintain the relationship will often be greater than our need or ability to be honest in it. If you want honesty, you must cultivate the conditions for it: acceptance, non-judgment, care, interest, and presence.

Thirdly, uncontained, and emotionally charged lashing-outs cannot be tarred under the brush of functional honest communication. The “truth” doesn’t rationalize or justify your immature and dysfunctional output. Furthermore, it will likely hurt the receiver and damage the relationship. This is a pitfall of so many couples; they bottle, bottle, bottle then blow. Yes, there is some relief in “getting things off their chest”, but they do so in a way that makes the other feel scared, inferior, unimportant, worthless, judged or shamed. It takes a lot of time, trust, and effort to repair these emotional ruptures.

Lastly, white lies; a harmless non-truth designed to not hurt someone else’s feelings.
Is it the kind or co-dependent nature within us that drives us to say these things? Can you restructure your white lies to say something honest? If not, can you pause, hold an internal boundary and refrain from saying anything?

Your highest relational game will require you to take time and consider each conversational move. The big question moving forward is how do you communicate in a way that reflects your values of honesty and integrity with composure, regulation, and functionality in order to maintain closeness with others but withhold your sense of authenticity?