What kind of NSW do YOU crave?

I’m ensconced in the stylish new Tawny Frogmouth Media Group’s HQ, made of mud brick, overlooking eucalyptus-lined avenues of Brookvale’s Arts hub. Council’s Urban Tree Canopy policy must have finally been adopted. I occupy the top of the nest in the penthouse suite, where even the bathroom has Bucketty’s beer on-tap 24/7, Liam has also doubled my wages. Life is sweet.

The NSW government believed I was becoming too opinionated about conservation matters, and decided to give me the Environment Minister’s portfolio for a week, to try and shut me up. “Let’s see if you can do a better job” they mocked. Meanwhile, I think James Griffin is down the corridor, working on next month’s Jim’s Wild Side column.

Most importantly, I’ve come up with this list of top 16 policies I want enacted urgently. Only a flood of grumpy Letters to the Tawny can stand in my way.

Mal’s List

1. Since biodiversity protection laws were weakened by the Berejiklian government in 2016, 37,000 hectares of trees and bushland have been cleared every year in NSW. I will reintroduce strong laws.
2. Logging native forests in NSW increased by 175% from 2021 to 2022 -pushing koalas and other wildlife towards extinction. Other states are swiftly transitioning to plantation forestry – we will too.

3. Both the Liberal and Labor parties have endorsed draconian new laws to punish peaceful environmental protestors. I will repeal them.

4. The NSW government’s “Biodiversity Offsets Scheme” enables developers to destroy threatened species habitat. I will dismantle it.

5. Shark nets harm a wide range of marine life which becomes entangled and die. I will replace them with non-lethal alternatives.

6. A parliamentary inquiry into the health and wellbeing of kangaroos heard evidence that their numbers are in serious decline in NSW due to cruel exploitation. I will ensure that all native wildlife is protected.

7. The government supports the construction, by Santos, of 850 Coal Seam Gas wells in the beautiful Pilliga Forest.  I will stop this.

8. Coal mining continues to expand in Sydney’s Water Catchment, damaging and polluting creeks. I won’t allow it.

9. The government recently approved the “Cumberland Plain Conservation Plan” which means clearing 1,754 hectares of native woodlands and grassland and destroying koala habitat in Sydney’s west. Where is my big black texter?

10. Protection of the NSW marine environment is totally inadequate.  I will create new sanctuary zones.
11. The 10/50 code makes it too easy for some residents to chop down trees.  Consider it gone.
12. If the NSW government raises the Warragamba Dam wall, as proposed, it will mean inundating 6,000 hectares of World Heritage listed bushland and innumerable Aboriginal cultural sites. I will cancel this plan and implement other options.
13. Certain rat baits continue to be sold widely- despite them killing owls and other wildlife which prey on the poisoned rodents. I will ban them. (There are proven alternatives).
14. I would establish proper processing facilities for recyclables and not allow most of our used glass and plastic containers to be left languishing in warehouses.
15. The NSW government is planning to develop over 225 hectares of high conservation value bushland at Lizard Rock, Belrose. I will arrange government funding for the alternative national park proposal.
16. Mr Griffin has been an outspoken supporter of the Beaches Link project which will be highly destructive to the local environment and encourage more traffic.  I will advocate for alternative public transport proposals.

That’s enough low hanging fruit to start driving positive change. Preserving our environment seems easy when you hold the authority but wait, there’s a droning noise reverberating in my ears. Is the Tawny mogul in chief doing doughnuts around the EV parking lot again or…could it possibly be my phone alarm?

I wake up. James Griffin is still NSW Environment Minister, the Mal’s Wild Side office is still in a converted broom cupboard, but amazingly, my environmental wish list remains furtively clutched in my sweaty palm. I reckon James would benefit from having a comprehensive gander at it, don’t you? And hey If he wants to adopt the policy framework as his own, then I’d say “no wukkers mate, you go right ahead”. (Just not too far right).