The art of feeling loved

“But I do love you!” he protested, frustration building in his voice. Across from him, his wife sat with tears streaming down her face. “I know you love me, but I don’t feel loved by you.” This exchange, variations of which I hear weekly in my therapy room, illustrates one of the most misunderstood dynamics in relationships: the critical difference between loving someone and creating conditions where they actually feel loved.

The love distinction

In English, we use the word “love” in two distinct ways that often create confusion. Love as a noun refers to that warm, positive feeling we hold about someone – an emotion that exists within us. Love as a verb, however, is about action – the behaviours and choices we make toward another person. This distinction is crucial because the feeling we hold (the noun) has nothing to do with how we treat the object of our affection. You can deeply love someone while simultaneously creating conditions where they don’t feel loved at all.

This explains why toxic relationships can persist – someone can genuinely feel love for their partner while treating them terribly. It also explains why in healthy relationships, partners can still feel unloved (in the moment) despite being with someone who truly loves them. This miscommunication and misunderstanding can lead to heated arguments, heightened defensiveness and unnecessary damage done. Let’s unpack how we change this for the better. 

The conditions for feeling loved

For someone to experience feeling loved, specific conditions need to be present. I call this the SPAACC framework:

Safety – They feel secure with you emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Without safety, love cannot be received.

Presence – You are genuinely present and attentive, both to them and to yourself in the moment.

Attunement – You maintain an active loop of responsiveness, picking up on their emotional cues and needs.

Acceptance – You accept them wholeheartedly, without trying to change or fix them.

Consideration – You actively think about how your words and actions impact them.

Care – You take concrete actions that demonstrate your consideration and concern for their wellbeing.

The validation of both experiences

Here’s what’s revolutionary about this framework: when your partner says they don’t feel loved, it doesn’t invalidate your love for them. Both experiences can be simultaneously true. You can genuinely love them (the emotion) while inadvertently failing to create conditions where they feel loved (the experience). This understanding prevents the defensive spiral where one person’s pain gets dismissed or minimised.

Instead of responding with “But I do love you!” try “Help me understand what would make you feel more loved.” This shift moves you from defending your feelings to actively creating better conditions for connection.

Creating the conditions

The love puzzle is made up of SPAACC pieces. When one or a combination are lacking, people tend to feel unloved. Think about the last time you felt unloved. What piece(s) were lacking? The good news is feeling loved is something we can cultivate together. When we understand love is an emotion we feel and an experience we create, we can work to build those conditions in daily interactions. Remember: your partner’s experience of not feeling loved isn’t an attack on your love – it’s an invitation to love them better.