A client recently described her life as watching a movie of herself. She has a good marriage, healthy children, stable job – all the markers of “success”. Yet she feels like she’s experiencing the world from behind glass, going through the motions but not truly present. “I keep thinking, is this it?” she asks. She’s not depressed, just flat – living in black and white instead of full color. She doesn’t feel like the main character in the movie of her life.
Her experience illustrates what I refer to as the states of existence – different levels of engagement with life itself. Understanding where you sit can be the first step toward creating the quality of life and love you actually want.
Surviving feels like being on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Daily life is a struggle – limited resources, overwhelming responsibilities, no time for self-care. You’re fighting to support yourself and your family physically and mentally. The constant refrain: “I can’t keep going like this.”
Existing is where my client finds herself. Life isn’t overly hard, but it’s muted and flat. You feel dissociated, going through motions without real engagement. There’s an existential nagging, a soul-level yearning for something different, more aliveness. A quiet sense of slowly getting ready to die without having truly lived. This can be torturous.
Living is where daily life is generally good. You run errands, find joy in simple pleasures – kids’ sports on weekends, nice meals, vacations. You feel gratitude for friends and family. By all objective measures, it’s a solid life. You’re ticking boxes and can honestly say “life is good.” There is happiness and contentment.
Thriving is when you wake up full of passion and excitement. You live in alignment with your values, feel inspired, dream, and execute. Relationships are deep and meaningful, and you feel a sense of purpose in direction in your existence. You feel invigorated by life and love, flooded by beauty, joy, and magic. In this state, life feels like the most precious gift.
The comfortable trap
Here’s the challenge: existing and living can become comfortable prisons. They’re “good enough” to settle for, but not fulfilling enough to truly satisfy. Fear keeps us bound – fear of the unknown, of rocking the boat, of wanting more when we “should” be grateful. We tell ourselves this is as good as it gets. This philosophy exists not only in romantic relationships, but every facet of our lives from career, parenting, and friendship, to the way we treat ourselves.
Time as investment
Our mortality gives this urgency. Time is our most precious resource, and how we invest it defines our lives. When you look back, what quality of life do you want to remember? If you’re existing, what would living look like in your relationship? More presence? Deeper conversations? Shared adventures? If you’re living comfortably, what would thriving together feel like? These states aren’t permanent. They’re invitations to examine where you are and consciously choose where you want to be. Your soul knows when there’s more available. The question is: will you listen?
Enjoy that?
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The Love Scout
Scout Smith-O’Leary is a Relationship Therapist & Educator working with singles and couples based in Manly. Visit thelovescout.com or call 0481 531 555 to book a session.